21 posts tagged “chemotherapy”
i've been going publically hatless for about 10 days now. it feels pretty good, and not just because it is 101 degrees outside. i'm not crazy about the way i look, but i used to wear my hair really really short until my mid-20s so i'm dealing.
i actually got the courage to remove my headcoverings during my friend's mastectomy. her 88-year-old kick-ass totally independent and wicked-cool mother took a look at me in the surgery waiting room and said "TAKE OFF THAT SCARF. YOU HAVE HAIR!"
i've somehow moved beyond the whole "touch my super soft hair" phase and now i would rather just not talk about it.
i'm not sure what the fascination is regarding the whole "my aunt's best friend's sister's hair came back curly after chemo" thing, but i guess that is what people want to talk about.
so, to set the record straight:
- yes, my hair is growing back.
- it appears to be the same color as it was before -- dark brown. it does appear to have some gray.
- i'm pretty sure it is growing back straight, although it is really too short to tell.
can we talk about something else now?
ports are these evil contraptions that go into your chest so you can get your chemo without going through a vein in your arm. they suck! people lie and say that you won't notice after awhile but i've had mine in since mid-november and i still notice it every waking hour.
i hate it and i want it out.
i'm done with chemo. i want it out.
my oncologist keeps stalling me and i'm thinking i'm just going to throw a bitch-fest so he will get sick of hearing from me and allow me to have it removed.
his stalling behavior makes me worry that he thinks i'm going to be needing this port again soon. he gives vague excuses and changes the subject.
this shitty mood i'm in is apparently not uncommon for people who have finished chemotherapy. they call it "survivorship" or some such crap. my oncologist acknowledged that it can be a difficult transition and suggested support groups, which i am totally not interested in.
i finally figured out how to describe the feeling i have.... it's like "okay, my hair is growing back. if that's happening - couldn't the cancer be growing back?"
although recurrence during chemo is possible, when your whole body is being poisoned and everything is dead and falling off of you, it's reassuring in a fucked-up way.
so i was perusing the "death and dying" discussion forum on craigslist tonight (don't ask), and somebody posted a question about cancer treatment and spelled chemotherapy "Kimo Therapy"
isn't that precious?
i've never been very girly. case in point: i didn't shave for about 10 years because i felt it was important to reject the corporate america /pedophiliac version of "womanly" which requires women to be hairless. and poreless. (i got over this rebellious streak, or perhaps gave up, and started shaving my legs and pits again after i got married. i should note that this was not to please my husband, but rather to avoid stares and because i was tired of resisting and basically surrendered.)
i've done the makeup, pantyhose, heels shit for work. but i always thought of it as more of a costume. not really me. what defines a woman? "fuck your corporate beauty standards."
now that cancer has left me with nothing corporally feminine except one very tiny dried up vagina, i am kind of bewildered as to the sorrow i feel. who cares if i have boobs? or estrogen?
well, as it turns out, i do.
this post is starting to turn into a premise for a very bad oprah episode, so i shall stop now.
1. isn't one of the purported effects of having no appetite whatsoever called "losing weight"? how is it possible to eat nothing but slim fast for days on end and yet maintain the same large belly?
2. if your little toenail is as loose as a tooth and is only attached at the very base of the nail, is it better to just rip it out (off?) and get it over with or just wait until you stub your foot and it comes off by itself, with a great deal of pain? probably while you are hobbling through the airport?
3. when, if ever, will i feel sexy again?
that is all.
i bought a cane to use today on my upcoming trip.
A CANE. a cane. a cane.
i am 34, bald, boobless, and using a cane to walk.
cause, really, it looked stoopid
11 days since my final infusion of taxol and the hair on my face continues to fall out. my eyelashes are literally gone now (they had been thinned to the point of nothingness but now there are literally no hairs on my upper or lower eyelids...)
my right eyebrow is completely gone. no hairs at all. my left eyebrow, however, is hanging in there with 12-15 hairs left. that looks rather silly. think i should shave the remaining eyebrow?
believe it or not, there are actually some chemotherapy side effects that i did NOT experience:
1. i never got mouth sores - though i was warned about them repeatedly.
2. i never got neuropathy -- UNTIL NOW
sigh.
it has been 10 days since the end of chemotherapy and now i can barely feel my fingertips or toes. this never was an issue until the last week. of course, i looked i up on the internet and discovered that it can sometimes be permanent. so much for resuming my piano playing. fuck this shit.
