21 posts tagged “cancer”
i've been going publically hatless for about 10 days now. it feels pretty good, and not just because it is 101 degrees outside. i'm not crazy about the way i look, but i used to wear my hair really really short until my mid-20s so i'm dealing.
i actually got the courage to remove my headcoverings during my friend's mastectomy. her 88-year-old kick-ass totally independent and wicked-cool mother took a look at me in the surgery waiting room and said "TAKE OFF THAT SCARF. YOU HAVE HAIR!"
i've somehow moved beyond the whole "touch my super soft hair" phase and now i would rather just not talk about it.
i'm not sure what the fascination is regarding the whole "my aunt's best friend's sister's hair came back curly after chemo" thing, but i guess that is what people want to talk about.
so, to set the record straight:
- yes, my hair is growing back.
- it appears to be the same color as it was before -- dark brown. it does appear to have some gray.
- i'm pretty sure it is growing back straight, although it is really too short to tell.
can we talk about something else now?
this is how whiny and self-absorbed i am:
it has been exactly 10 months since i was diagnosed with cancer.
occasionally, i will still bump into someone or receive an email from someone who doesn't appear to know i have been fighting cancer. this really disturbs me for some reason. like, i'm not important enough to have been talked about?
i realize that most of these cases are simply "we all assumed she already knew" type of situations.
but the really self-centered part of me wants to know why everyone in the world hasn't been focused on ME and MY CANCER.
pathetic, really.
1. my co-worker is going to have a lumpectomy after all. her lump has been preliminarily diagnosed as "atypical papilloma" -- they are going to take the whole thing out and scrutinize. this, of course, royally sucks.
2. my belly button is infected.
this is an exciting time for me! seriously!
i went out to eat this evening with 3 girlfriends, one of whom is a scrumptious lesbian. our dinner conversation was quite graphic and interrupted by fits of giggles (think sex and the city, but set in the midwest without heels. yes. we think we're fabulous).
i was sharing with them my woeful tale of cancer-related de-feminization. i listed the many many female body parts that i have had cut off/out of my body, ending with the sad fact that all i have left is a "teeny tiny dried-up vagina." i really know how to kill a conversation. so my 3 fabulous 30-something friends were looking at me not sure what to say (what the fuck do you say to that?)
when suddenly the lesbian perked up and said -- wait a second. you still have a clitoris right?
i had literally, totally, genuinely, forgotten that i still have a clitoris.
i still have a clit! i still have a clit! oh my god, how could i possibly have forgotten? and i once starred in the vagina monologues. i feel so stupid.
in my defense, it has been easy to forget given that i my libido hasn't been so low since, um, ever. but with each new day there is fresh hope.
cancer didn't take my clitoris. what a joyous discovery!
i'm being serious. i'm truly celebrating. what a mind fuck to forget you have a clitoris.
i've never been very girly. case in point: i didn't shave for about 10 years because i felt it was important to reject the corporate america /pedophiliac version of "womanly" which requires women to be hairless. and poreless. (i got over this rebellious streak, or perhaps gave up, and started shaving my legs and pits again after i got married. i should note that this was not to please my husband, but rather to avoid stares and because i was tired of resisting and basically surrendered.)
i've done the makeup, pantyhose, heels shit for work. but i always thought of it as more of a costume. not really me. what defines a woman? "fuck your corporate beauty standards."
now that cancer has left me with nothing corporally feminine except one very tiny dried up vagina, i am kind of bewildered as to the sorrow i feel. who cares if i have boobs? or estrogen?
well, as it turns out, i do.
this post is starting to turn into a premise for a very bad oprah episode, so i shall stop now.
1. isn't one of the purported effects of having no appetite whatsoever called "losing weight"? how is it possible to eat nothing but slim fast for days on end and yet maintain the same large belly?
2. if your little toenail is as loose as a tooth and is only attached at the very base of the nail, is it better to just rip it out (off?) and get it over with or just wait until you stub your foot and it comes off by itself, with a great deal of pain? probably while you are hobbling through the airport?
3. when, if ever, will i feel sexy again?
that is all.
i am really done with chemo. really. fucking. done.
i'm having a margarita party on monday. but to be perfectly honest, i am waiting until i turn 40 to truly party. for some reason, if i make it to 40 then i will really feel like i've beaten cancer. yes, that is in 5.5 years.
i see a gynecological oncologist on may 23 to discuss my prophylactic oophorectomy.
meanwhile, i stay up at night surfing the internet to read the symptoms of ovarian cancer. just for shits and giggles. i think it is in my genes. my mother tells me that when she was waiting for me to be born (i was WAY overdue) she tortured herself by reading books about birth defects.
i have almost all of the symptoms of ovarian cancer. seriously. now, i realize that these symptoms are actually probably side effects from six months of chemo. but it doesn't put my mind at ease. ovarian cancer killed my grandmother, and it's really hard to detect. the generalized symptoms are as follows:
Symptoms
- sense of pelvic heaviness (CHECK)
- vaginal bleeding (NEGATIVE. NO PERIODS SINCE JANUARY)
- weight gain or weight loss (CHECK - GAIN)
- abnormal menstrual cycles (DUH)
- unexplained back pain that worsens over time (CHECK)
- increased abdominal girth (HUGE)
- non specific gastrointestinal symptoms:
- vague lower abdominal discomfort (CHECK)
- increased gas (CHECK CHECK CHECK -- IT OFTEN SMELLS LIKE SOMETHING DIED INSIDE OF ME)
- indigestion (CHECK)
- lack of appetite (CHECK)
- nausea and vomiting (NEGATIVE SINCE STOPPING AC)
- Bloody stool (NEGATIVE)
- inability to ingest usual volumes of food (CHECK)
- bloating (CHECK CHECK CHECK)
on a more chipper note, when i couldn't sleep last night i downloaded about $100 worth of 80s music that i've been coveting for the past year or so. i've been jamming all day to survivor and lionel richie. woo hoo!
dude!
i haven't really had an opportunity to do this before -- and it is now the day before my last day of chemo!
some guy just rang my doorbell to try to get me to sign up to help the homeless.
so i said, "sorry - i'm a cancer patient - i have to get back in bed."
it worked!
sweet!
when you're in the midst of chemotherapy, is the proper phrase "i have cancer" or "i HAD cancer"?
seems to me that the easiest thing to say is "i am a cancer patient" - if you want to get technical about it.
yes, i had surgery in october which removed the tumor. but does that make me cancer-free? it seems to me that i don't get to claim a true cure until 5 years have passed.
but anyway
sometimes i forget to say "i am a cancer patient" and default to "i have cancer". this freaks my mom out to no end.
"noooo. you HAD cancer. HAD HAD HAD HAD HAD."
okay mom. chill out.
3. Things Have Changed (Bob Dylan)
I've been walking forty miles of bad road
If the bible is right, the world will explode
I've been trying to get as far away from myself as I can
Some things are too hot to touch
The human mind can only stand so much
You can't win with a losing hand
