"what did the breast cancer say to the polish monkey?"

-eric cartman, south park

Baby

i blacked the poor kid's eyes out because she'll be online in a few years.

there are so many problems with this i don't even know where to start.  but the most important point (for me) is:

STOP sending me this picture. i've received it about a dozen times.  it is apparently making the rounds in my social circles.  i don't find it cute or inspiring.  please dress your baby in obama onesies instead.  leave cancer out of it.

part of my critique of this gem is that it is inherently sexist.  i don't know how to explain this other than to say --

would you dress up a baby boy in a "find a cure before my balls get really big" -- as an effort to raise awareness about testicular cancer?  NO?  then don't do this. it's sick and wrong.  and if you don't agree, fine -- but don't forward the fucking picture to me.

(note that this post is a corollary to my july 22, 2007 post in which i discourage breast cancery emails generally)

http://www.healthcentral.com/breast-cancer/c/78/45468/lights-cancer?ic=6006

For the record, I have never been "emotionally high" when "connecting with women in active breast cancer treatment."

Pissed, yes.   Compassionate, I hope so, but I'm pretty bitter on behalf of all of us.

Emotionally "high"?  Sorry, breast cancer is not like acid.  It doesn't make you automatically turn into a beacon of light and hope.

finally.  thank god.

http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/188237

it's rare that i find a "breast cancer awareness month" webpage that i actually agree with, but it DOES happen.  case in point:

http://www.jamaicaobserver.com/magazines/AllWoman/html/20081012T210000-0500_141246_OBS___THINGS_YOU_DON_T_SAY_AROUND_A_CANCER_PATIENT.asp

No doubt hearing that "C" word turns a lot of us into fools, but if you find yourself in a position where a family member or friend has revealed that they have cancer, here are some things you might not want to say.

1 Save the horror stories. Now is not the time to remind your relative of uncle Ben's battle with cancer which later resulted in death. You would think that common sense would dictate that a cancer patient does not need to be given all the excruciating, miserable and awful details of Ms Pauline's battle with breast cancer. Yes we know, you just want to be supportive and cheer the person up, but you need to find a better way to do so. Don't help them remember how many persons die from it every year either.

2 Don't promise your help if you won't give it. The line "If there is anything I can do, don't be afraid to tell me", comes readily to some persons as soon as they hear that a friend or family member has been diagnosed with cancer. The reality is that some persons don't mean it and so when the request is made for help, this becomes so obvious. Don't promise your assistance if you don't intend to stand by your word.

3 Don't say you know what it's like. If you were never in a position where you had cancer, then you have absolutely no idea what it is like. It is best to say you can imagine what it is like instead; that's much safer.

4 Don't tell them they should be grateful. One of the worst things you can say to a cancer patient is, "You should be grateful, at least you are not dead". When someone is going through the kind of pain and suffering that accompanies breast cancer, don't tell them that they should be thanking God for it.

5 Don't say they shouldn't be sad. Although you may be getting tired of seeing them moping, don't tell them they shouldn't be sad. They have a right to feel however they want to, since they are the ones going through it. It is better to tell them you don't like seeing them that way instead.

6 Don't say this is just a bump in the road. You can always avoid a bump in the road, but you can hardly ever avoid cancer. Losing one's hair, breast, getting chemotherapy, having hot flashes and feeling very anxious and insecure at times, is not necessarily a bump, it is more like a mountain.

7 Don't say they'll be just fine. You are not in a position to guarantee this. Telling them not to worry about their situation might seem that you are giving them the brush off. It could be interpreted to mean that you cannot be bothered with their fears.

http://caraellison.wordpress.com/2008/09/29/pink-rage/

you go girl

first, let me preface this by noting that all of the women who have helped me with mastectomy-related undergarments during the past year have been genuinely nice people.  most of these "mastectomy boutique" owners are very well-educated, upper-middle-class white women in their 50s or 60s.  they have either been a breast cancer patient or have close breast-cancery relatives/friends, and they want to help, so they open a mastectomy boutique in a strip mall in the suburbs, decorate it with pink ribbons, and have very limited walk-in hours.  i think during the course of the last 2 years i have visited with at least 6 CMFs (certified mastectomy fitter - that's for real) about all kinds of bras and falsies.  they (the CMF women) are almost all cool.

despite the grotesque marketing of breast cancer product lines and my initial apprehension, my experience with these women is that they are typically down-to-earth, not too maternal (thank god), and very smart about the products they sell.  although i am very skeptical about the whole "industry" around having to have specialists and separate mastectomy "clinics", when you're just trying to get through cancer treatment, you don't really have time/energy to protest the pink ribbon corporate bullshit.  you just have to say "fuck it" and let your insurance pay $150 each for plastic silicone breast forms and $62 for bras from companies with names like "Nearly Me."

at any rate, the whole process could have been much, much worse if the women who own/run these little shops were syrupy or annoying or bitchy or something.  but they weren't.  they were just helping.  i understand that.

so, it pains me to say this.  but please remove me from your mailing lists.  ladies, it isn't personal.  but these "circulars" are just painful to look at.  it's not really the content so much... it's just ..... well, it's the orange paper and the  halloween clipart and the "bloody" font headline:  A SALE OF SALES FOR OCTOBER BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH.  really?  is "october" modifying breast? or cancer? or awareness?  i have this scary image in my head of EVERY month being breast cancer awareness month -- and this is just the "october" version.  will there be a "november breast cancer awareness month"?  god help us. 

i had reconstructive surgery, and i can wear regular bras now, so i won't be needing your services anymore.  i appreciate the opportunity to have met you, and i wish you best of luck in your business ventures.  

love

me

p.s.  cancer is not a party.  the need for a mastectomy boutique is not a party.  if you keep me on your mailing list, please censor any "party" related references to solicit additional customers.  your "customers" are women who have had cancer, and they're only patronizing your business because they had no CHOICE or no time to "shop around" for the best deal on fake boobs.  do you really think that referencing a "party for you"! on your circular is a good idea?  

do you think it's like, two women sitting in a cafe, sipping coffee, and one tells the other "i have breast cancer."  the other woman says "i know a GREAT boutique. they have parties and TREATS during awareness month."

seriously?

pps

i'm evil only because i was cursed to be diagnosed in october.  it isn't my fault.

pps

please note that it is only september

pass the meat pleeze

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/HealthSci/Eating_veggies_shrinks_the_brain/articleshow/3480629.cms

think happy thoughts = avoid cancer!  [wtf]

http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,25197,24243876-12377,00.html

Happiness may protect against cancer

so, because my breasts are actually transplanted skin and fat from my (formerly extended) belly, the skin does not have the normal characteristics of breast skin. 

not that my belly was freakishly hairy or anything, but i can definitely tell the difference.  i didn't realize that my original, natural breasts were indeed hairless.  i can make out very faint, light hair on abigail and dolley.  not anything that would be shaved or waxed, but it is a bit strange.

file this one under "things they NEVER warn you about..."

[addendum:  upon further inspection, i have realized that my tram flaps may include stray pubic hairs]