i am glad you're joining the health care field ...

.. and i'm glad that you are now operating at the "let's see how you do on your own" phase of the placement program at your local technical college.

but, see, i have spent more time dealing with medical professionals in the last 18 months than most people do in their entire lifetimes.

it isn't you.  i'm just really not in the mood to coach you through your first day practicing being a "real" certified nurse assistant.

thanks for telling me it is your "first day", but that was blatantly obvious.  and you really only need to explain that once.  i'm not being bitchy, but i was hoping this pre-op physical would take 20 minutes. 30 tops.

we spend the first five minutes with you trying to get your password to work on the online system. 

i have had my blood pressure taken about 40,000 times in the last 2 years, but let's see if you can really make my fingers turn blue this time because you haven't use a stethoscope very many times and you're just not hearing the pulse right.  or whatever.  seriously, my fingers are turning blue.

let's review the medications i am currently taking.  sure, that'd be great.  they're on a list right there on your screen.  yup, zoloft.  yup, seroquel.  yup, lamictal (which you can't pronounce). 

oh dear, there are 2 entries for ambien!!  whatever shall we do?  one entry says "5mg" and the other says "10mg."   i take 10.  i know that will blow your mind, but the 5mg is wrong.  it is apparent that i have stumped you.  you must go get your field supervisor.  while you are out of the room getting help, i have to restrain myself from leaning over to the system and hitting the "delete" key while the 5mg Ambien line is highlighted.

after the crisis of the 5mg ambien is resolved, let's go over some basic instructions for the pre-op physical.  super.  i'm a lawyer, i realize you have to do all this shit in order to cover your ass.  no problem.  but do i look like a wear hair extensions?   you tell me TWICE to be sure not to wear hair extensions to my reconstructive surgery.  thanks so much for your insight there.

i think it's great that you are joining the medical profession, and you do genuinely seem like a nice person.  i'm sure you'll do this job great once you get the hang of it.  but what i don't  understand is, when your supervisor sees the size of my file or my medical history -- WHY they sent you in alone with me.  you're clearly not ready for the "advanced" level of medical intake, and i really really hate sitting in doctor's offices.  this is a big clinic, i'm sure they could give you a nice strep throat case or something.