i really do like my new tits. and i was home from the hospital within 72 hours, which is good. and everything hurts as it should but it really isn't as painful as i thought it would be.
a couple of things:
1. it is nearly impossible to pass gas, which means that i am constantly thinking about farting. i can't push or strain, so it's all i think about. whenever i do manage to cut the cheese, it is like an orgasm.
2. the oxycodone this time around is causing bizarre, very intense nightmares. i just woke up from a 2 hour nap in which i experienced a lifetime of pain, torture, and bizarre evil cartoon characters attacking me and all that i stand for.
this is not really explicit, but you still might not want to see it
"a healthy way of living is to be good to your health"
i'll be sure to keep this in mind while recovering from my body carving operation next week.
.. and i'm glad that you are now operating at the "let's see how you do on your own" phase of the placement program at your local technical college.
but, see, i have spent more time dealing with medical professionals in the last 18 months than most people do in their entire lifetimes.
it isn't you. i'm just really not in the mood to coach you through your first day practicing being a "real" certified nurse assistant.
thanks for telling me it is your "first day", but that was blatantly obvious. and you really only need to explain that once. i'm not being bitchy, but i was hoping this pre-op physical would take 20 minutes. 30 tops.
we spend the first five minutes with you trying to get your password to work on the online system.
i have had my blood pressure taken about 40,000 times in the last 2 years, but let's see if you can really make my fingers turn blue this time because you haven't use a stethoscope very many times and you're just not hearing the pulse right. or whatever. seriously, my fingers are turning blue.
let's review the medications i am currently taking. sure, that'd be great. they're on a list right there on your screen. yup, zoloft. yup, seroquel. yup, lamictal (which you can't pronounce).
oh dear, there are 2 entries for ambien!! whatever shall we do? one entry says "5mg" and the other says "10mg." i take 10. i know that will blow your mind, but the 5mg is wrong. it is apparent that i have stumped you. you must go get your field supervisor. while you are out of the room getting help, i have to restrain myself from leaning over to the system and hitting the "delete" key while the 5mg Ambien line is highlighted.
after the crisis of the 5mg ambien is resolved, let's go over some basic instructions for the pre-op physical. super. i'm a lawyer, i realize you have to do all this shit in order to cover your ass. no problem. but do i look like a wear hair extensions? you tell me TWICE to be sure not to wear hair extensions to my reconstructive surgery. thanks so much for your insight there.
i think it's great that you are joining the medical profession, and you do genuinely seem like a nice person. i'm sure you'll do this job great once you get the hang of it. but what i don't understand is, when your supervisor sees the size of my file or my medical history -- WHY they sent you in alone with me. you're clearly not ready for the "advanced" level of medical intake, and i really really hate sitting in doctor's offices. this is a big clinic, i'm sure they could give you a nice strep throat case or something.
6. "Bad Wisdom" by Suzanne Vega
Mother I'm cut at the root like a weed
Cause there's no one to hear my small story
Just like a woman who walks in the street
I will pay for my life with my body
i didn't make any of these up. i promise.
i don't remember signing up for cancer
humor after the tumor
i'd rather do chemo than clean out the garage: choosing laughter over tears
b.o.o.b.s: a bunch of outrageous breast cancer survivors tell their stories of courage, hope, and healing
breast cancer for dummies
the victoria's secret catalog never stops coming: and other lessons i learned from breast cancer
uplift: secrets from the sisterhood of breast cancer survivors
complete idiot's guide to living with breast cancer
keeping abreast: ways to stop breast cancer
the feisty woman's breast cancer book
spinning straw into gold: your emotional recovery from breast cancer
dear god, they say it's cancer: a companion guide for the women on the breast cancer journey
breast cancer? let me check my schedule
just a lump in the road: reflections of young breast cancer survivors
a cup of comfort for breast cancer survivors: inspiring stories of courage and triumph
the not-so-scary breast cancer book: two sisters' guide from discovery to recovery
the wounded breast: intimate journeys through cancer
joy is a plum covered acrobat: 45 life-affirming visualizations for breast cancer treatment and recovery
getting better, not bitter: a spiritual prescription for breast cancer
breastless but still breathing: a breast cancer survivor's journey
why i'm glad i had breast cancer
my one-night stand with cancer
cancer schmancer
cancer with attitude
cancer ... it won't get the breast of me
somehow i don't think it is really this cute... (i'm having both sides done, obviously)
:) read more
on twin girls